Saturday, November 12, 2011

it's just around the bend~

So now M and I are at this point that I don't know any other way to call it except well, blissfully interesting.
We fell easily and gradually into this pattern of talking to each other twice a week. Only she always beats me to it. Once during the week, once on the weekend. The funny thing is (and I'm not making this up) she always calls me right when I think, "hey I should call M today" and then she does. This strange coincidence means more to me than you will ever know or I can ever express.
You see, I've spent my life chasing people that mattered to me. I say mattered and not matter because it gets to a point where they're burning you and you just need to back off. Whatever their problems are, whatever it is that they are dealing with---it can become so big that who you are in the relationship is getting pushed out. It's sad because it's often not malicious, they just can't see what they're doing to themselves and everybody around them. There's no longer any room for you or anybody else in that room of theirs. It's taken me up to this point in my life to step back and evaluate my feelings about certain people and admit to myself that it was ok to let them go. And I literally mean "let" because I didn't push them away. They were going and now...well, now they're finally just gone. But they'd checked out a while ago, sadly.

But M...she's so different. She's redeeming herself and, rather than spend the next year in our reconnection playing mind games and beating around the bush and walking on eggshells with each other, we're playing it straight. From that very first phone call we've been like this, another thing I can't be thankful enough for. I say that she's 'redeeming herself' because she just gets it. She gets this whole adoptee-goes-looking-for-their-birthmom thing. She understands what my psyche went through to find her: the fears of rejection, anger, and blame that I feared might very well come my way. I didn't know her at all. And all she knew of me was that I was the baby she gave up. So I think she calls me and not the other way around for now because well, let's be honest: I didn't leave myself at an adoption agency 30 years ago.

Are we close? It's getting there. I'm not holding anything back and as far as I can tell, neither is she. Now if I could just convince her to stop smoking I could guarantee us many, many years to become even closer.

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