Wednesday, November 30, 2011

the phone record saved my sanity~

So I have this old, old friend---the oldest friend I've got. We go way back. Painfully so. We know each other's darkest moments and times in our pasts so much so that I think this is why...we don't have a functioning relationship. I'd say we circle around each other every so often but most often we're apart. And I hate to say this, I wonder if we're becoming more comfortable this way.
But I miss her. All the time.
I won't get into all the gory details of our lives that tore our friendship raggedly apart, but let's just say that life handed us some lemons and sometimes we've just gone and made lemonade out of each other.
I'm writing this post though because I'd been thinking about her a lot lately. Well, I always do, but lately especially. I had this crazy dream about her, always trying to reach her, always missing her by a mile. She's the most connected-disconnected person I'm connected to, I'd say. I'm not sure if she feels the same anymore, but I'll take a risk here and say she does.
I felt pretty abandoned by her shortly after I told her MAC and I were pregnant. I never heard from her when I gave birth, then suddenly this box of amazingly heartfelt handmade-with-love gifts shows up on our doorstep a few months after our Bird was born. So I called right away to thank her, wrote a thank you card right away. Never heard anything back.
This is where the explanation for this post lies:
I do think she called me once a while after that, and I think I called her back quite quickly. But I don't completely remember. Life gets messy, I'll be the first to admit to that. I do remember just feeling really hurt and confused as to why this old friend whom I'd reconnected with pretty well after all our teen angst and 20-somethingness...was, well, seemingly now disinterested in pretty much the most important thing to happen to me in my life.
But then I called her again. Just in case it'd indeed been my own hurt feelings getting in the way; that I should retrace my steps to where we'd left off and offer [yet a thousandth] peace offering. Then, for some odd reason, I checked my online T-mobile account's call history from waaaaaay back. I don't even know how to do this. But when I went looking tonight, it was like my hands were being guided on the website.
Sadly, I saw that yes, indeed I'd been the last one to call.
Funny how instead of feeling vindicated, I just felt more bummed. It doesn't always feel good to be "right". A major flood of disappointment came over me.
My point is this: how many more chances do you offer people who never call you back, never write you back, and yet get mad so easily at you for...not calling or writing or "staying in contact"? In healthy relationships, you meet in the middle. You do your own work. I've often felt this friendship tended to be dependent on my overly-extroverted communication skills. This is not a good thing. It just means I feel like the one always holding the thread between us because I'm just a loud mouth.
I feel drained and hurt all over again. Why did I bother? I'm a glutton for punishment. Well, I guess because I had that crazy dream. I took it as a sign for reconnection. But she just never seems to be able to stay in relatively good contact, I don't know why. She often said things like "I'm busy", "I don't like phones", "I don't like email"...but how else are people supposed to stay in touch? I hate it all too and wish we could just walk down to each other's houses and talk! But we can't.  And, we're all busy! Good god, who's not busy?!
Sigh. I'm not sure why I had to post about this. Perhaps for catharsis. Perhaps in the hopes that some answer will float out into the universe and come back to me. Perhaps to wash my hands of it, cleanly this time, knowing that I'm done trying. It's gotta be a sign of the dysfunction in all of it, you know?
It just hurts. And it really hurt to know for sure that I did indeed try to contact her the last time. Maybe it should've stayed the last time...that last time.

But I miss her. All the time. 


  1. i love how you write about this. these thoughts and feelings are sooo universal. i wish more people would express them. :)

    for me, i am a true believer in the seasonality of friendships. some spend long summers with me, others, a few short autumnal weeks. i've reconnected with a handful, again, in a different season, but life's circumstances quite often change the rhythm of our new time. so now, i've learned to savor new friendships, however many seasons we spend loving each other.

    could it be that you were put in her life to help her through a long spring season?

  2. an old, old friendOctober 30, 2012 at 2:25 PM

    I miss you too, Em. Funny how ten minutes in a van with someone in the middle of a game of hide and seek -geez, almost 20 years ago now... can completely change your life. And for the record (too sad to be funny) I thought I called you last... though I'm sure you are, unfortunately, correct.
    It's so sad that we always seem to disconnect just when we both need one another the most. Maybe we wouldn't grow as much if we leaned on one another more... but I doubt it.