Saturday, November 10, 2012

in response: you just say it~

Dear M,

Perhaps you are right---that I'm too sensitive. My sensitivity has gotten me where I'm at in life, though. I'd prefer it over the alternative. 
I'm not trying to upset you or freak you out or seem like I am merely trying to be difficult for the sake of being difficult. 
I just don't know how to process a lot of this. Let's clarify something---the elephant in the room, so to speak (do you know what that phrase means? It is perfect for this): You and I have lived very different lives. In every.single.regard. Period. End of story. Hilariously, we still have a lot in common. But we also have a chasm between us in some regards. 
I don't resent you. Or your lifestyle. Or your money. Some people would. Some people do. I've just never been a jealous or greedy or selfish person. Your life is your own, as is mine. Yes, I'm a good person---there's a difference between "nice" and "good", by the way. If I was just saying all the things I've been saying to you these last months to be "nice" I'd have stopped playing that 'game' when you started offering me money and lavish gifts and trips and flowers---and now flipping $10,000. I'd have merely taken it. But I've worked to be a truly good person. This is not a show for you; to get you to approve of me, to like me for me. This is who I am. And this relationship with you means more to me than I think you realize. It's also harder than you realize, I think, now that our lifestyle differences have surfaced.
In the past, I've done case management for the poor. I've walked through the Kibera Slum---the world's largest----I actually know people who live on less than a dollar a day. My background is [somewhat] academic, yes---for the sake of my sanity, but also my desire to actually apply that knowledge in a tangible way. Can you try and see why I'm "too sensitive", then? This is why I'm having a hard time accepting such things from you, after the kind of life I've led. The kind of life I chose. I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around the mere fact that we're related---let alone that you're my birthfather. Let alone that you are...who you are. 
And by the way, we are not friends. And we are most certainly not, as you said, like friends who have known each other our whole lives and have been there for each other. Sure, we're "friendly". But we're not 'friends'. I know what you were trying to say, though. What I'm trying to say though is that we can't just pick up where we left off. Where we left off was when I was a zygote and you were 22, sowing some wild oats. But that doesn't change the fact that you're my birthfather and I'm your 32 year old birthdaughter. Awkward, to say the least. Navigable? I hope so. Listen, I'm doing the best I can with this whole thing. I'm not going to go psycho on you. Ever. Like I told you in my first email to you: I'm a happy, stable, educated, "normal" person. But I do feel like I don't know how to navigate some of this terrain, so to speak. Especially all the emotional baggage that comes with it. Are you surprised? Are you not overwhelmed in the least? 

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