Wednesday, May 15, 2013

diving off the pier~


Dear M, 
I was walking on the pier near my house the other day, trying to think of why I can never seem to get back to anybody anymore---emails, phonecalls, letters, postcards---you name it. 
Well, besides the obvious reason (a toddler) I also have been feeling a bit down (we're not moving yet; the current job offer turned out to be a terrible idea) and quite bored (I constantly need to be learning things and currently feel like I'm in the royal rut of my life) and lonely (I'm a social butterfly, or so I've been told) and finally.... that whole issue of not getting to meet my birthdad (we were like two ships passing in the night---so close but so far away.) Strangely enough, I'm simultaneously overwhelmed and bored with my life right now.  
So there you have it. That's me in a nutshell currently. I hate talking like this. It makes me sound so negative. Maybe because I am feeling a bit negative about how things are going right now. I don't want a solution or advice; I know that it's simply a matter of time. But I still hate the feeling of life being in such a state of limbo right now. Ugh.
Diane sent me the photos of all of you in Pittsburgh; I'm so glad you all got to reunite in your own way. I don't even really know what to say, this whole story is quite amazing, if you think about it. It just is what it is. MW still has a lot of suffering inside of her  (although she'd never admit it.) Sometimes I feel drained by this whole adoption-reunite-with-everyone thing now. The only way I can explain that latter sentence is that, if you expand your brain to try and understand how much I truly am in the middle of all of it---you can see how much I feel like it's necessary to put on a happy face and act like everything's fine---when in reality, I just feel overwhelmed at times. You see, I have MW on the one hand who's trying so damn hard to ameliorate the past---a past that is said and done and isn't going to change and I don't really hold it against her. But that's the funny thing about birthmothers. They never quite recover from the past. They keep regretting and hurting and blaming themselves for...what? A choice they made when they were 19 and homeless and unguided? So I constantly feel this anxious pressure coming from her as she over-compensates and I end up feeling like one of those highschool students being overly wooed and cooed by a first relationship and wanting to back-off just to get some air. In this case, that would only make things worse. 
In the middle I have Diane and Bashar. An oddity in most stories of adoption---an adoptee so rarely gets to meet *mutual friends of their birth parents!* But I do. And they have been gracious and excited and overwhelmed in their own way and excited and overjoyed---and excited (did I mention excited?!) In which case they seem to think that we're all just these "reunited" family members and feeling absolutely awesome about everything. Especially each other. Which of course, is not exactly true. Sigh. More reason for me to feel like I have to keep putting on that damn happy face. Am I smiling enough for everyone yet?
On the other hand, I have M; a very complicated man to me, to say the least. And yet so simple, really. I feel like I know you. Such an odd thing to say, of course. But I've never met you, so I can't say much and so, therefore perhaps I don't actually know you and shouldn't have said that. I will say this: I do like your penchant for what appears to be taking notes (the leather notebook in the photos) and your scarf-wearing habit (we've discussed our mutual love of scarves already) and while the Omni William Penn Hotel is a bit over-the-top to me for a first meeting (I prefer al fresco snacks 'en plein air', while commenting on things like the birds and elderly and the good olives in our midst), I'd have met you anywhere, really. It was just the logistics this time around. My life, right now, makes most things unfortunately and ridiculously logistically impossible.  
Soon. Sooner than soon, I hope. 
Lovelove, 
Reem